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5 years together

Today marks 5 years of Alex and I’s Facebook official relationship, and I am so incredibly happy with how far we’ve come separately, and where we are headed together!

Prior to this relationship, I was in a rocky marriage, that was over, waaaay before I’d even laid eyes on Alex, internally, but we’d just been too stubborn to end it when we figured that out. I was trapped. Trapped in a house that I’d spent all of my time and money filling with personal effects. I’d spent 2 years struggling to pay bills, and arguing over who’s responsibility it was to complete various chores. The intimacy was no longer there. We barely saw each other, and when we did, we certainly weren’t seeing eye to eye.

I can only really speak for myself here, but I was in NO position to be looking for love. My heart was in shambles, my marriage was crumbling, and my husband admitted didn’t love me anymore. It was a sad life, and my self worth was following my husband out the door. I was drinking heavily and often. I was subjected to unspeakable levels of abuse both personally and professionally. I was tired.

For a while, we pretended things were okay. Our closest friends and family members could see us struggling, and that I was being stretched paper thin. I was barely holding it together, and it was only about to get more complicated.

When it became clear that our base incomes alone weren’t doing the trick, I picked up a second job, with the hopes that some financial security would help ease the strain on my relationship with my husband. I worked 14 hour days on a good day, and when I would come home, most of the responsibility would still land on me. It wasn’t long before I noticed my husband was coming home later and later each night. We barely spoke anymore.

That’s when I met him.

I’ll spare you the disgusting details, the mushy gushy parts. What I will tell you, is just like all the advice we get as we grow up, I never would have seen it coming.

I was married, and faithful to a relationship that was far past over. I had a moral compass that just wouldn’t quit. I kept to myself for most of the first night, but eventually, Alex and I became good friends. It was strange at first, because he’s not my type, but I was drawn to him like a moth to light. He was gentle and kind. Smart and intuitive. He always knew just what to say.

I hadn’t really told him about my issues at home. As far as he knew, there was no one in my life. I didn’t wear my ring to work. He had no way of knowing I was married. He’d never really come onto me, so I didn’t really expect what happened next.

I was walking to my car after a closing shift we’d worked together, a few feet in front of him. He stopped me and gently spun me around, and next thing I knew, his lips were on mine, and it was over. Ladies, you know the kiss. You just melt. It’s the most natural thing you’ve ever felt. It caught me by surprise, and went on for longer than I’d like to admit.

Before you start shaming me, I did stop him. I did tell him right then and there that I was married. He was so nice about it. He apologized, and we just tucked it away. I was sure it wouldn’t happen again, and for some time, I was right. I continued to hide how bad my relationship was for a while longer. I didn’t want to further complicate things. Our friendship blossomed and he became one of the guys.

Shortly before Christmas., I started hearing whispers about my husband and a few of my female friends. I’d come home a bit early one evening, and one of the woman was heading out our front door. We had been friends, so at first I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t care about gender. There were no restrictions. He was free to do as he pleased.

I attempted in passing a greeting, but it was not returned. I thought it was odd, but kept to myself. It wasn’t until I was making our bed the following day, that I found why she’d been so hesitant to meet my gaze.

I was making the bed between shifts, when I lifted the corner of the mattress and found them. A thong that was much smaller than I ever could be. Pink trim, black fishnet, and super cute, was my first thought. Followed by WHO’S FUCKING PANTIES ARE THESE?!

I tried to compose myself, and drag myself to work. It was difficult to keep it together. A few hours into my shift I found myself alone just seconds too long. I was in full collapse on the floor. All of my insecurities were bursting. I questioned things I never had before. Was I ugly? Was stupid? Was I naive? How long had I been taken advantage of? Was I weak? Was I disgusting? When did this start? How did this happen?

Too many emotions at once. I was mad. I was sad. I was broken. I was alone, but only for a moment. Without saying a word, he slid down next to me on the floor, and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. He didn’t ask questions. He didn’t really say much. He was just there, and that’s when I knew he was trouble.

Fast forward, we’re officially dating, and here we are today. Everything happens for a reason. I sometimes compare situations to what they could have been, and it helps me feel better about what they actually are.

Since I’ve met Alex, numerous terrible things have occurred, but I can hardly list half of them now. I was diagnosed with, and beat uterine cancer, and the years prior to diagnosis, were draining. We’ve lost my fertility and still struggle with that. My metal state is damaged, and I have diagnosed anxiety, depression, mood disorder, panic disorder, and PTSD. I’ve lost 1 brother to addiction, and 2 more to the same, even though they are still living. I have impulsive states, and manic behaviors, and I am physically debilitated by ruptured disks in my spine, cysts on several joints, and my eczema is for the bird. I’ve checked myself into the hospital with no notice or preparation, and I’ve moved our family into the middle of nowhere. I’ve worked 60 hour weeks, driven 1 hour each way, and I am crabby when I don’t get enough sleep.

This is the woman I am now. I’m not as fun as I used to be. I’m a mess, but he loves me for me. He’d never even think about saying he doesn’t. He’s particularly thoughtful with remarks about my health and our future. He’s gentle and kind. He’s grown with me through all of our trials.

We have our ups. We have our downs. No relationship is picture perfect. We may look like it on the surface. We don’t post it on social media. We don’t bicker in public or around family and friends. We smile, and mean it. When we are frustrated it never lasts long, because we communicate. We find a middle ground on almost everything. Nothing is ever his fault, or mine, it’s all ours. Everything was built together.

I am happy to say, 5 years later I know, that there is nothing more valuable than our bond. I will do and would do anything I can to keep him happy, and I know that he feels the same. I know this wasn’t a normal blog, but I had to do it to em’. Happy Anniversary Alex! I’d thank you for saving me, but really, you taught me how to save myself.

Thanks for reading this sappy, gross, blog, and we’ll have some special anniversary content for you later as well!

Diary of Darkness - PT1

Just one more day