As I have mentioned before, turning 30 was abnormally hard for me. I was a woman, going into early menopause, after a life saving hysterectomy. I was going through a divorce, my first and hopefully only one, and moving out of my marital home, into a small, 2 bedroom apartment. I’d recently quit my job of almost a decade, where I was under appreciated, but loved the people, for my second, part-time job, which was a completely unknown genre of work for me. I’d experienced a devastating, life changing, slip and fall injury, and was really starting to feel all the years behind the plate, during my 12 year run as a softball player.
I’d developed or at least finally been diagnosed with several mental illnesses, that up until this point, I’d been managing pretty decently on my own. It wasn’t until my baby brother passed, just before his 21st birthday, that my mental wellness was no more.
A lot of things change as we age. For example, 15 years ago, I could down 10 Jack in the Box tacos, at 6 am, still drunk and running on Tequila and limes, no problem. Yesterday, I ate 2 tacos, and barfed my guts up for 3 hours afterward. I can’t sit in the car for long drives, or walk around a store without a cart to lean on after some time. I can’t run without my ankles popping. Hell, sometimes I can’t WALK without my EVERYTHING screaming audible for a break.
I break a sweat just folding the laundry, and this isn’t me being overweight! I’m in better shape than I have been in probably 10 years, but my body, just can’t keep up!
I used to be able to eat food items well beyond the expiration date. That’s slowly turned into a dice roll, but forget about dairy products. Those little shits can’t be consumed within 4 day BEFORE the best or sell by date.
I can’t sleep through the night, and I am ALWAYS up at 7:05 am, whether I have an alarm set or not. Getting to sleep, is a problem when I need to be up the next day, but when I can sleep in, forget about it. I’ve already passed out, before my head even neared the pillow.
My patience wore thin, but at the same time, I’m more patient with relationships I value. I’ve grown as a partner in many ways, and not just as a partner to Alex, but in other relationships as well. While I use to have a list of “friends” a mile long, I’m thankful for the peace and quiet that comes with only having a few friends on that list now. It really is the worst part of growing up; drifting away from larger friends groups.
People get busy, but they also become toxic. When I was going through diagnoses and treatment for cancer, I already had just a handful of people I thought I could trust. When you go into a surgery expecting to see your friends waiting for you when you wake up, only to find your mom, sister, and boyfriend there, just as they were before you closed your eyes for what could have been the last time, really reminds you of who cares.
Watching Alex cry as he left me in pre-op, was one of the most touching, yet terrifying moments in my life. I was struggling to find the words, but none came. I was worried about my safety, how surgery would effect my health, but mostly, how it would effect our relationship. I grew up, never wishing to be a mom. I always said I didn’t want kids, and I certainly didn’t want to bring them up in the world we lived in then. Can you imagine how I was feeling now?
Probably not, because with age, came change in goals and priority. Now, I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, and I wasn’t sure how he felt about us never having the ability to have kids of our own. It was terrifying.
With family oriented goals changing, so were my educational or career driven ones. Well, that’s not entirely true. I have ALWAYS wanted to write. Writing was my go to, and the talent that I was called on for the most. I really wanted to pursue a career in journalism, or creative writing, but my options were limited, and so were my funds. I really had no idea what I wanted to do, so I tried many things, but eventually, and thankfully, the times caught up with my ambitions, and I can now pursue a career in Creative writing for entertainment, online, no muss no fuss!
I’m excited to see where life takes me and what changes i’m willing to accommodate moving forward!
Will you take this journey with me?
How has your life and goals changed over time?