Well folks. I did it! I turned 30, for the 3rd year in a row! I even did it with a smile on my face!
Okay, so maybe I am still a bit bitter that I am 32. Maybe just a tad, but look at me! When I see photos like this (ya know, taken by someone who doesn’t know a fucking thing about my “good side” or your “accidental double chin” when you snap your teeth together and force a smile) I realize something.
32 really isn’t that old, and I look FUCKING FABULOUS. Sure, I could still stand to lose a few pounds, but we are getting there! Just in case this photo wasnt convincing enough, here have another.
Admittedly in the second photo, I was warned of the possibility of “flash" being used, and averted my eyes to avoid looking like I was actually possessed, but still! I. Look. Good. What is wholly and entirely ironic here, is I struggle with that idea every single day. No joke. Every day. I spent the majority of my early teen years until about 5 years ago, being told I was too big or too loud. I held onto whatever opinions were projected onto me like fly paper. I can remember things I was criticized for 15 years ago, down to the very last word, but I couldn’t remember that today was podcast day, and we do it every single Thursday.
I don't know why, but even the smallest bit of repetition in my reputation, stuck. If I recieved one slightly backhanded comment; it loomed around for a bit but eventually made it’s way elsewhere. If it was piggybacked by another, no matter how many days, months, or years later, it became fact even if it was 100% fiction.
What a strange world we live in.
Everything happens so fast. We lose ourselves so easily in the sea of comments and criticisms. The constant onslaught of opinions that couldn't be less true bury us alive, and we allow it.
Sure, we’re getting better. As a society we try not to openly judge a woman as often for her looks, weight, and clothing. To the naked eye, we have softened the blow with women and sex, or even sex in general, but have we really?
Sure, I would love to say that I am filled to the brim with girl power on my 32nd year on this planet, but I still cant help but wonder…
What do others think of me?
A friend from high school was chatting me up the and said that he “didn’t recognize me with all the filters on my photos". I found this pretty odd, since very few of them even had filters to begin with.
Either he has no idea what a filter is, or I just look that damn good in most of my photos. Either way, strike one for lack of effort, strike two for insult.
Must not have rocked the boat too bad, because he did inquire about my relationship status and whether or not I would be interested in a good ol' fashioned swing, which I politely declined (in case you were wondering).
I should value any opinion that puts me on a pedestal the same way I discount anything that makes me feel unwanted (even if I wasn’t particularly interested to begin with), so why don’t I?
I genuinely haven't the slightest. Maybe it is because I don't whole heartedly think I’m worthy of love, even when it comes from myself. Maybe it’s because I have been conditioned to shy away from complements that come from anyone of the opposite sex. Maybe that doubles if Iam not in a relationship with the complementor. Maybe it’s a reflection of all the negative things that have been said about me. Maybe it’s the men that kept me their dirty little secret, or remarks like “What, you didn’t expect someone skinny to want to stay with you, like this, forever?”. Sure, while these are all seperate occasions, and you can shout “Not All Men!” in response, it truly feels like it is.
Until I met Alex, I hadn’t heard the word beautiful in what seemed like a lifetime, in regards to me. The most I ever got, was something like, “that’s a beautiful ______”. Whether it be a dress, or shoes, jewelry or lipstick, it was never about me. Not from them, anyway. Sure, I have had a few empowering co-workers or friends lift me up when I was feeling down but it wasn’t a regular thing. Is it happening more frequently now that I am finally starting to lose some weight, absolutely!
But doesn't that only prove my point?
I don’t think that this only applies to females. It doesn’t only apply to weight. It can realistically apply to even those we hold in high regard physically.
We need to learn to love ourselves. We need to love our bodies when they are broken and bruised. Love them when they are stretched out, and scarred. Love your symmetry or lack there of, your lips, your hips, ALL OF IT! BIG, SMALL, LOVE THEM ALL!
Before it’s too late. Whether too late be too old or too young, love your body. Love her body. Love his body. LOVE THEM ALL.
Take care of yourself, too. Eat right. Get some exercise from time to time. Practice good hygiene. Go to the doctor as often as you can. See a therapist. Take the medication. Drink a little less beer and a little more water this weekend. Get into that recovery program. Hit the gym. Eat the spinach. Love and respect your body, and your neighbors!
Pay a complent, no matter how small. Let your bro know how nice his new cut looks or that his beard is coming in nicely. Let your girls know you love their new nail or lip color, or their top.
It doesnt have to always be about weight. It doesn’t have to mean flirting.
The human body is so over sexualized and under appreciated, that every compliment is taken as flirting and every criticism is held onto like a life preserver in a hurricane! How wrong is that when you say it outloud? (Or read it in your head silently like you are probably doing right now)
I really have no idea what this was about. Just my feelings about turning 32 and finally learning to love myself. Thank God for a man that worships women and thinks we are all beautiful, but only has eyes for me. (I LOVE YOU ALEX! BACK OFF LADIES! 😘😉)
Love the skin you’re in.
Okay but on that note, I developed eczema with age, and its killing me. Leave some suggestions for healing or relief in the comments, so I don’t rip my skin off and sell it on Ebay this winter. (P.s. I am allergic to coconut, which apparently cures everything.)
AS ALWAYS, I LOVE YOU GUYS AND I’LL SEE YA IN THE NEXT ONE!